I was at Lowe’s today looking for some stuff. I didn’t find what I wanted, but a 7-pack of CFL bulbs caught my eye. No, I haven’t turned my back on my carbon-spewing ways. The pack was $9.99 and included a $10 coupon for a future Lowe’s visit. I like free stuff–even if it is also green.

Here’s where things start to get a little schizophrenic. Stay with me here. When I got home, I put the pack of CFL bulbs on the shelf (but that was a very happy side effect). After all, we already have all CFL bulbs and no bulbs were burnt out. But THEN, I grabbed a box of incandescent bulbs that we brought with us when we moved. I proceeded to replace 10 CFL bulbs with incandescent bulbs! (evil laughter) I could hear Mother Nature whimpering in sorrow as I did it. But I just continued to laugh. I was just bummed that I could only replace 10 bulbs instead of all of them.

Sadly, I must admit that my motives are not pure here. No (sigh), I didn’t actually do this to increase my carbon footprint. It was purely a financial decision. Here’s where you really have to hang with me for another minute or two. The incandescent bulbs were already a sunk cost, so I didn’t simply want to throw them away. Unfortunately, it looks like Obama’s energy plan will likely pass in some form. This plan will admittedly cause energy costs to skyrocket. So I want to use up the incandescent bulbs now while electricity prices are still low. If I wait too long, it would likely make more sense to just throw them away at some point.

So there you have it. Now I just need to figure out what to do with all these CFL bulbs laying around. Maybe I’ll go down to the river and bash them against the rocks, thereby dumping a bunch of mercury and glass shards into the river. Maybe.

I just wanted to fill you in on how I celebrated Earth Day. See details below:

And that about covers it. It was a great day!

Okay, so in this case, the hole is referring to an irrigation ditch. That’s right, last weekend it was time to release some sequestered carbon on our ranch. I went out with my trusty propane torch and set fire to the dead grass and weeds clogging the ditch. Flames shot 12 feet into the air, smoke was pumping into the air like crazy. It was a thing of beauty.

This doesn’t quite match my feat from last summer: The accidental (no really) blaze that scorched about 10 acres–not to mention all the fossil fuels burned by about 10 fire trucks fighting the blaze. But this last weekend was still a worthy contribution to the cause.

A few nights ago, I stopped at the supermarket on my way home to pick up some ground beef. As discussed in a previous post, eating meat is one of the most effective methods of contributing to global warming. So I was understandably proud of myself. As I was leaving the meat department, I looked in horror at this sign:

That’s right, apparently some Carbon Glutton-friendly supermarkets use CO2 to preserve the color of the meat. Sadly, I picked the one store that didn’t. To make matters worse, I didn’t have time to run to another store that was more friendly to the carbon-spewing lifestyle. Yes, I have failed you.

The Other Side will be a periodic feature where I take a break from spewing carbon into the atmosphere to present information that may help those who wish to reduce their carbon footprint in their endeavors. This time, we are going to talk about meat and it’s impact on global warming.

So you’re driving an energy-efficient car. Perhaps you even carpool or take the bus. You recycle whenever you can. You’ve replaced all of your incandescent bulbs with the very unnatural glow of the compact fluorescent bulb. But it’s all worth it right? You are making a difference right? Do you still eat meat? Then, not so much.

According to a report by the United Nation’s Food and Agricultural Organization, the global warming impact from livestock farming is greater than all major forms of transportation combined. That’s right, you could forever retire every automobile, airplane, train, and boat and the impact would be less than eliminating the entire livestock industry. Think about it, unless we are going to revert to the dark ages, we must have transportation. And since we do not yet have trains, planes, and automobiles powered by solar energy, any cutbacks in that sector are the smallest drop in the bucket.

If you are truly passionate about global warming and believe that you can and should take steps to make a difference, but still eat meat…you are a hypocrite! Eliminating meat from your diet will have an immediate and dramatic effect on greenhouse gas emissions. Put another way, don’t lecture me about the gnat buzzing me when you have a bull (literally) charging you.

I was at Costco recently and noticed that in addition to their screw-the-environment versions of cleaning products, they now also have environmentally friendly versions. They offer laundry detergent, dish soap, and a multipurpose cleaner that “feature biodegradable cleaning agents and plant-based formulas; contain no phosphates, dyes, optical brighteners or bleaches.”

Also, it’s the same price as the kill-the-planet equivalent. What’s not to like about it, right? That was until I read further and found that “Few items are designed to really minimize the carbon footprint throughout the product life cycle.” Now that statement by Costco does not actually say that their items are designed to minimize carbon footprint, but I don’t want to take the chance. I bought the old-fashioned version.

I drive 72 miles round trip to work every day. At that rate, my commute’s carbon footprint is about 12 tons per year. That in itself is a carbon-spewing fest to be proud of. I do certainly have other options such as the bus, carpooling, or vanpooling. But would I consider such options? Hell no. My only regret is that I drive a Toyota Corolla, so the emissions are actually pretty low to begin with.

Okay, I’m sorry. This is very, very selfish of me, isn’t it? I should consider the impact on others. I know the auto industry is in trouble right now and could sure use some sales. Perhaps I’ll consider replacing the Corolla with a Hummer. That way, I could help the economy and probably triple my carbon emission. Sweet! If I could afford to do it, another good option to help the economy would be to take a taxi to and from work each day. That would help keep a taxi driver in a job and also dramatically increase my carbon footprint.

According to the Energy Information Administration (a US Federal government office, so you know it’s reliable), the average US household consumes 936 kWh of electricity each month. Check out my latest monthly bill:

No, this is not a mis-print. I consumed 4538 kWh of electrcity–almost 5 times the US household average. I’m so touched by this. I’m actually wiping a tear from my eye at this proud moment. I mean, I’ve got a long ways to go to match Al Gore’s 20 times the average, but this is a good start.

Welcome to Carbon Glutton. I am dedicated to cancelling out your efforts to reduce carbon emissions. CO2 is a naturally occurring, colorless, odorless gas that apparently is going to kill us all in a fiery flood. Check back here often for tips on how to emit even more CO2 so that we can bring on the demise of humanity even faster. ‘Cuz humans suck. Cheers.